: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
