if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
