yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
