he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
