A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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