it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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