dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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