$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
