dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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