After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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