there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
