it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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