She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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