Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
