I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
