I wish I could punch you in the face.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
