is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
