I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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