he shaved USA in his pubs
i used baking grease as lip gloss
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
