Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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