She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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