I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
