They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
