Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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