I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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