Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
