my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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