It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
