last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
