I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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