He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
