Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
