she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
