Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
