Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
