sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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