If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
