Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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