I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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