I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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