just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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