someone owes me an orgasm
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize