My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
