The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
