does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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