I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
