My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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