I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
