Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
