I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
