onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
